Ah yes, Wizards
by Red Baron A.K.A. Crowley
Summary: The Turian Councilor decides to investigate claims of one Dolores Umbridge, and meets his match. If you're looking for sanity, keep walking.


This is what happens when someone scans the pictures in an anti twilight pro harry potter facebook group while listening to the Ah yes, "Reapers" song. Take this as a warning not to repeat my mistakes.

"Ah yes, 'Reapers.' The immortal race of sentient starships allegedly waiting in dark space. We have dismissed that claim."

Shepard was pissed. That was perfectly understandable, as Turian air quotes were wrong on multiple levels. And the council still didn't believe him about The Reapers. That didn't help either. But it was mostly the very existence of that damned Turian. Shepard remembered how he'd failed to finish reading the mission report after Noveria, asked him whether he enjoyed committing genocide, and was subsequently informed that Shepard had saved the Rachni queen. After being corrected, he proceeded to reprimand Shepard for unleashing a Rachni queen on the galaxy.

Then Shepard remembered another like him, someone from the pages of Earth's great literature.

"You're just like Dolores Umbridge." he realized aloud, causing confusion among the Salrian and Asari, but simply deepening the Turian's contempt, if that were possible.

"Ah yes, 'Dolores Umbridge.' The ignorant human female allegedly dismissing the claims of students at a magical boarding school. We have dismissed that claim."

After Shepard left, the Turian had an odd feeling of mistakeness, which was odd because he was never mistaken. He felt he had to investigate the claims of this "Umbridge." He descended into the secret lair he'd denied to the press when he was appointed to the council, and headed for the time machine he'd dismissed last week. It was allegedly the invention of an insane human named Emmet Brown, who seemed to think he was from 1985. He hopped in and drove it onto his mythical race track, accelerating to 88 miles per hour directly into The Citadel's internal mass relay leading to Earth.

The car crashed into a large, seemingly invisible castle, which he quickly entered and began to wander around. He was confronted briefly by an angry janitor with a cat, whom he reacted to by saying "Ah, yes, 'Filch.' The omnipresent caretaker of hogwarts allegedly skulking about attempting to catch truant students. We have dismissed that claim." And the janitor disappeared, now only to exist as an exhibit in the Turian's private lair, as things did when he dismissed them in person. Obidiah Shepard, who had been desperately attempting to hide from Filch under a table, had witnessed this entire event, and quickly jotted down a note of it to be passed down among his family for generations. And wasn't like anyone else was going to believe him.

Eventually he came to the defense against the dark arts classroom just as Umbridge was saying "Some of you may have heard rumors about the return of a certain dark lord. These are lies."

The Turian, having found his target, stood firm and prepared to attack, clearing his voice before saying

"Ah yes, 'Dolores Umbridge.' The ignorant human allegedly dismissing the claims of high schoolers in a magical boarding school. We have dismissed that claim." And she still stood there. Plain as day. Dolores Umbridge was still there. Yet she had been dismissed. It was astonishing. She gave him some sort of contemptuous look and replied in a sickly sweet voice

"This...thing is clearly very disturbed and has imagined that I do not exist, despite the clear evidence to the contrary." The Turian began to feel an odd swelling in his stomach, and his rage and confusion at this human's dismissal of his dismissal of claims of her dismissals was beginning to ebb. She was wearing quite a lot of pink.

Umbridge was taken aback. Some sort of abomination had stumbled into her class and attempted to claim that she didn't exist in some roundabout fashion. It took guts and an amazing ability to ignore to do that. Perhaps she'd finally found a non human she liked.

The Turian continued to stand in the back listening to the woman debunk facts. She did it with a subtle art he'd never before heard. The way she made people feel silly for having believed in something in the first place without bludgeoning the over the head with it's ridiculousness the way he did. It was astounding. He waited until the students had cleared out -some of them seemed strangely eager to- and approached her.

"Madam" he said "There are a significant number of ridiculous rumors out there which remain undismissed. It seems to me that the 2 of us could make a serious dent in them, if you'll join me"

She smiled a smug, superior smile and said "I can't very well allow the wizarding world to be misinformed can I? I shall have to help you"

And so the 2 went off, and began dismissing the claims and revealing the lies of every species in the galaxy. One could never tell where they'd strike. One moment a planet was there, the next it was dismissed out of existence.

Harry Potter's scar suddenly lit on fire. Something far worse than Voldemort had just been born. Some sort of horrifying, unholy union had just been established.

Commander Shepard awoke on his quarters in the Normandy screaming. He had just had the worst nightmare anyone could ever have ever. Reapers did nothing next to this. It was probably his own fault though. He'd been reading the memoirs of his great-great grandfather Obidiah before he went to sleep, which described a disturbingly familiar maliciously sweet teacher and a "Monstrous combination of rock and insect" with the power to remove things from existence through sheer disbelief joining forces. Shepard's subconscious must have made the link to his day and created the massive stock of nightmare fuel. He'd never get back to sleep now...

That's right. The Turian gains possession of everything he dismissed in person. And the 2 most obstinate, most ignorant, most irritating creatures in fiction have just come together in an unholy union. May Picard have mercy on us all.


End file.
